The Mean Monster

The pain is very present today. It’s ugly face banging on the front door, refusing to leave, to let you forget, and constantly reminding you. The deep constant ache shooting through your body throb after throb. The heavy fog has lowered deep over my head and brain. Feeling the weight of a ton of water shifting and sloshing around, never caring if it sends me to my knees or the blackness. The fatigue so encompassing that simply moving across the room is impossible. Needing the release of sleep and begging for nightfall so that I can find the relief of the turmoil raging through my body. Feeling completely alone with this monster living deep inside my body. Me, continually begging for it to have mercy on me, and yet it doesn’t hear me. 

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Moving Forward

Last year was difficult to say the least. My husband lost his job, he hurt his finger which resulted in a 5 day stay in the hospital, and I have had some major medical issues arise. Even though our year ended with not that great of a bang, we had some great accomplishments as well. Both my husband and I finished our bachelors degrees and that was pretty awesome if I say so myself. Our future was hopeful and I started my masters, which was short-lived. Long story short, they found a spot on my brain. Given the symptoms I have, the location of the area totally makes sense. It was kind of like a two edged sword. You know how you have a feeling that something is not quite right with your body, but the doctors shove you off? This has been my story for years. Now that I’ve had the MRI and something was actually found a diagnosis has not been simple at all…to hear the Dr say it may be this or it maybe that has lead to months of unsurety. Two tests later and tons of labwork, I still can’t say for sure what I have. Many things look like I could possibly have Multiple Schlerosis. Any of you that have experience with MS knows there is no specific test that can diagnose it. Therefore there is a lot of elimination of this and that before they can say for sure. Right now, I am lucky I do not have to work, because it would be difficult for me. I live with pain daily. And the exhaustion is the biggest difficulty of all. Through all of this, I know my God is faithful. He has taught me patience and continues to calm and guide me through this journey minute by minute and day by day. I have many limitations that I never had to worry about before and I am having to lean on my family more than ever as well. I am sure God has a great plan for me and no matter what he is there carrying me through this.  

 

Answers

Wow! I haven’t posted anything in over a year! Where does time go? So many monumental and memorial moments have gone by. My wonderful husband, Michael, finished his bachelors this year. I am so very proud of him! I finished my bachelors in psychology and walked across that stage. Now I am preparing to start my masters in clinical psychology next week! I am so very excited! I have had to deal with several health issues these past few months. These of which I am waiting for test results as we speak. No matter the outcome, I will be ok. To one degree I would be grateful because I would then have an answer as to why I am having the issues I’m having. I can then take the steps to feeling better. On the flip side, no one wants a diagnosis that I am waiting for. Whatever the answer is, I will prevail. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Being as Strong as you need to be

Learning new things, on a daily basis, is something I’ve been working on. Although it has not been an easy journey, I am slowly moving in that direction. Adversity is an internal battle I fight constantly. Overcoming years of conflicts and realities that I had a blind eye to has not been easy. Each step, each day has become a different journey and I have had both disappointments and triumphs along the way. I am embracing who I truly am and I am learning I can be as strong and as weak as I need to be. And no matter how I feel inside….it’s ok! It’s how we choose to deal with each battle that makes us stronger and although sometimes it feels like we are going backwards eventually you start moving forward again!

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Very Interesting

I thought I would share some interesting facts about me that some may not know… I am not an influential person, at least to the world. I may very well be prominent to my friends and family around me. I know that God has me here for a reason and I want to make the biggest possible impact I can. I have had some interesting things happen in my life that I thought I would share….

1. I have always loved music. Since the day I was born, I have loved music and many different kinds. Music entered my life as a child at church. My father lead singing at church a lot as I was growing up. No one ever taught me how to sing harmony and how to read music. Although taking piano lessons for 6 years when I was young probably helped me out a little. My father and I were know to be singing two parts at church together and in the middle of a song, we would switch. I was singing alto he was singing tenor and then we would trade parts. I was in chorus in school from jr high all the way through high school. My junior and senior year of high school I was most talented. This also lead to my sing with the Sweet Adeline’s for several years. Four-part harmony has always been part of my life, so this came naturally. With the TuneTown Show Chorus, I sang at the international chorus competition in Calgary, Canada. My father and I did most of the music for both my grandfather and grandmother’s funerals. Several of the songs we sang all 4 parts… Yes…we sang/recorded the first two parts, then we played those two parts as we recorded the other two. I love that I still have the recordings of these songs, because this was something very near and dear to me since my father is no longer with us.

2. I once had the opportunity to actually watch Michael Jordan play with the Chicago Bulls against the Cleveland Cavs. It was during the playoffs and we were on the very top row…but hey…at least I can say I was there.

3. I also was privileged to see the Great Wayne Gretzky play hockey and at the end of the game, I was actually able to touch the hockey stick he played with. (A man that was sitting down several rows in front of us was lucky enough that Wayne gave him his game stick).

4. I live in a small town, but I have been exposed to several big name people in the music industry. I have seen Trace Adkins on several occasions locally. I live, on both sides, next to music artists. On one side is Cindy Morgan, gospel artist and writer, with quite a few Dove awards under her belt. On the other is Craig Campbell, country music artist who recently hit the top 10 with his song “Keep them Kisses Comin”. It has been amazing watching him climb the country music status. I am watching him on CMT top 20 as we speak.

5. I am a military wife. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and he has been deployed for almost 6 years of those 13. I have had the privilege to travel with him with his job. The places we have been together have been Germany, France, Austria and not to mention the place in the US. It has been interesting to say the least.

So there, although I am sure many of you have seen and done many more interesting things than I have…I am proud of each and every one of these moments in my life. I plan on adding many more “firsts” as I continue this journey of life…So…how about you?

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Who said it was going to be easy?

Since my journey now consists of going back to school, my brain has been challenged. The class I am taking currently is the last elective I have to take before I hit my core classes. Math 209 is not simple…I believe I could write thousands of essays easier than I could do this not-so-simple math! I mean let’s be totally forthcoming here, where am I ever going to use the quadratic formula or adding/subtracting linear equations in real life? 😂 I have approximately 33 hours to complete my work and then I have to take my final exam…Lord please be with me! The good side to this is you have to take the bad with the good. I have to finish this class to move on the the good ones. A friend of mine tells me,”it’s like taking bad-tasting good medicine”. I will survive, I will conquer…it may not be the best grade I wanted, but I will get though it and subsist! I refuse to stress, worry or torture myself. I will do the best I can and succeed!

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Love my Kids

One thing that I know I have passed down to my children (or at least I hope I have) is passion. In any and everything you do, do it with passion! My son and his absolute bona fide love to coach women’s basketball can not be embodied quite sufficiently. At 21 years of age, he has done more than some high school coaches do in a life time. His love and ability to teach and promote via social media is mind-blowing! He currently coaches a college exposure team of high school girls who would typically not have the resources to be able to afford typical AAU teams. They do not charge players the outrageous fees to be on their team like so many others do….but they do not allow just any girls to partake. You have to have the will, drive and talent before you are chosen. I admire the obstacles he has to conquer in order to have the resources for these girls to experience and be put on exhibition for college coaches. I hope that I have made this much of an impression on others lives as he has and will in the future! See their website at #TeamSlink or follow them on Twitter @TeamSlink !

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Trying to galvanize tranquility

Since I have started my journey to a new voyage of life, going back to school, I have been so excited. But over the past week, my excitement has had hurdles that I have yet to jump over. I am taking my final class before I launch solely into my core classes. The class is MTH209!!! I can not describe the anguish I am experiencing right now in proper terms to say the least! The program makes no sense what-so-ever and be as it may the professors don’t like it either. Needless to say, I am resolved today to let go! I have done everything I can possibly do and more. So this is my focus…galvanizing tranquility!

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Cogitation from mid-life

micheldemontaigne379014Well, the 4th of July has come and gone…also in the last few days I have turned another year older! As I have briefly reflected upon recently, I have come up with 2 conclusions. The first, I am experiencing something that has only happened 4 times in my life, I am double digits. Yep that’s right if you figured correctly, I am 44 years old, which means that the other 3 times were the ages of 11, 22 and 33. This, by no means, is that big of a deal, but it was just an interesting fact that popped into my mind the other day. Secondly, as we all almost figure out eventually in life, I am getting older! I have been lucky all of my life due to the fact that I have good genes. Please don’t think that I am bragging when I say this, it is something that I have heard most of my life, and I have eventually come to accept it is what it is. I am blessed with a “I look a lot younger than what I really am” appearance. I have inherited this from my mother, who in turn inherited it from her mother and so on. I couldn’t tell you how many comments I have received over my life proving my theory…here are just a few…

1. When a parent of one of your son’s basketball players states that they thought you were your son’s girlfriend…
2. Your son comes home from school one afternoon and proceeds to tell you that one of his good friends tells him on the bus how lucky he is because his mom is “hot”!
3. (And the most recent) One of my daughter’s best friends look at me during a conversation of just how old I am this year and says “I thought you were thirty-something”.

It makes this 44 year old woman glow and smile and constantly gives me a good feeling about myself. Actually my inner goddess steps up and starts doing a swooning dance saying, “oh yea….you got this baby”! And yet there is my not-so-confident side, my child-side, that is also at the same time saying, “why do people always say this stuff when they know it is not true”. The truth of the matter, and this is my adult-side commenting, common sense would tell me…it has to be true! Therefore with reason and the constant proof, of things being said to my husband asking if I am his daughter , I have to believe I am blessed with the asset of a youthful appearance. Isn’t it amazing how we really do start accepting ourselves the way we are as we get older?