The fog has lifted slightly. The pain has decreased. Sleep was my friend, yet I still feel it wasn’t enough. When my eyes open in the mornings, the struggle becomes apparent. Feeling as though the rest I get will never be enough. That no matter how much comes, I will never feel completely and totally refreshed. Spending hours just trying to feel some sense of normalcy. Even after my medication and morning coffee, I fight to put one foot in front of the other. Anger doesn’t reside in my thoughts, sadness maybe…I want to be the person I once was. Crave to be that once again. And for now, I’ll still continue the journey hoping and praying they will figure out what that monster is…
The pain is very present today. It’s ugly face banging on the front door, refusing to leave, to let you forget, and constantly reminding you. The deep constant ache shooting through your body throb after throb. The heavy fog has lowered deep over my head and brain. Feeling the weight of a ton of water shifting and sloshing around, never caring if it sends me to my knees or the blackness. The fatigue so encompassing that simply moving across the room is impossible. Needing the release of sleep and begging for nightfall so that I can find the relief of the turmoil raging through my body. Feeling completely alone with this monster living deep inside my body. Me, continually begging for it to have mercy on me, and yet it doesn’t hear me.
Last year was difficult to say the least. My husband lost his job, he hurt his finger which resulted in a 5 day stay in the hospital, and I have had some major medical issues arise. Even though our year ended with not that great of a bang, we had some great accomplishments as well. Both my husband and I finished our bachelors degrees and that was pretty awesome if I say so myself. Our future was hopeful and I started my masters, which was short-lived. Long story short, they found a spot on my brain. Given the symptoms I have, the location of the area totally makes sense. It was kind of like a two edged sword. You know how you have a feeling that something is not quite right with your body, but the doctors shove you off? This has been my story for years. Now that I’ve had the MRI and something was actually found a diagnosis has not been simple at all…to hear the Dr say it may be this or it maybe that has lead to months of unsurety. Two tests later and tons of labwork, I still can’t say for sure what I have. Many things look like I could possibly have Multiple Schlerosis. Any of you that have experience with MS knows there is no specific test that can diagnose it. Therefore there is a lot of elimination of this and that before they can say for sure. Right now, I am lucky I do not have to work, because it would be difficult for me. I live with pain daily. And the exhaustion is the biggest difficulty of all. Through all of this, I know my God is faithful. He has taught me patience and continues to calm and guide me through this journey minute by minute and day by day. I have many limitations that I never had to worry about before and I am having to lean on my family more than ever as well. I am sure God has a great plan for me and no matter what he is there carrying me through this.
Wow! I haven’t posted anything in over a year! Where does time go? So many monumental and memorial moments have gone by. My wonderful husband, Michael, finished his bachelors this year. I am so very proud of him! I finished my bachelors in psychology and walked across that stage. Now I am preparing to start my masters in clinical psychology next week! I am so very excited! I have had to deal with several health issues these past few months. These of which I am waiting for test results as we speak. No matter the outcome, I will be ok. To one degree I would be grateful because I would then have an answer as to why I am having the issues I’m having. I can then take the steps to feeling better. On the flip side, no one wants a diagnosis that I am waiting for. Whatever the answer is, I will prevail. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
My wonderful husband worked so hard last week during his time off. The weather this year has been so strange and you never know from day to day what it will be like. I wanted to show a few before and after pics of work we did on our yard. Although they don’t look like we did much, it was usually hot one minute and cool the next. Picking the exact time of the cooler weather wasn’t always dead on, but in the end we both had fun. With that being said, I am not the easiest person to get along with when it comes to projects, but my husband survived!
Learning new things, on a daily basis, is something I’ve been working on. Although it has not been an easy journey, I am slowly moving in that direction. Adversity is an internal battle I fight constantly. Overcoming years of conflicts and realities that I had a blind eye to has not been easy. Each step, each day has become a different journey and I have had both disappointments and triumphs along the way. I am embracing who I truly am and I am learning I can be as strong and as weak as I need to be. And no matter how I feel inside….it’s ok! It’s how we choose to deal with each battle that makes us stronger and although sometimes it feels like we are going backwards eventually you start moving forward again!
The changes my life and body have gone through over the past few months have been amazing. I can’t begin to describe the peace I have learned to embrace with my life. I still have moments or hours where the old anxiety creeps in and tries to take over, but I refuse and it doesn’t stick around very long. Going back to school was the best choice I could have made at this point of my existence, I had come to a point in my life where I was not satisfied, I was not happy and I definitely was not being challenged. A very dear friend of mine, who has gotten me to not only question but consume everything around me, has helped me to see things in a very different way. Actually….the way I should have been thinking all along, because it is the real me. For so long, a huge part of me had learned and completely believe lies that I had been telling myself. That I had to be stronger than I was and I had to put on a face that I was okay…even when I wasn’t. A lot of this I contribute to being a military wife. Many times I had to deal with problems when no one else was around. But one thing I have learned, I don’t have to do it alone. And it is ok to feel weak, sad, angry, emotional, scared, alone….and so much more. I am not a bad person if I feel all these things. It is when you accept these emotions you realize that you are stronger than you think. Obtaining the fact that I am allowed to feel these things and people love you more when you are real about your issues. The peace that I feel through my entire being is nothing like I have ever felt. Calm, loving, giving, compassionate and more are the perceptions that fill my entire being. I continue my education, I am continuing my degree, but neither one takes precedence over the other. My goal is to learn something every day. And I don’t mean education wise. I will learn something that enriches my life and helps me to grow as a person everyday.