Last year was difficult to say the least. My husband lost his job, he hurt his finger which resulted in a 5 day stay in the hospital, and I have had some major medical issues arise. Even though our year ended with not that great of a bang, we had some great accomplishments as well. Both my husband and I finished our bachelors degrees and that was pretty awesome if I say so myself. Our future was hopeful and I started my masters, which was short-lived. Long story short, they found a spot on my brain. Given the symptoms I have, the location of the area totally makes sense. It was kind of like a two edged sword. You know how you have a feeling that something is not quite right with your body, but the doctors shove you off? This has been my story for years. Now that I’ve had the MRI and something was actually found a diagnosis has not been simple at all…to hear the Dr say it may be this or it maybe that has lead to months of unsurety. Two tests later and tons of labwork, I still can’t say for sure what I have. Many things look like I could possibly have Multiple Schlerosis. Any of you that have experience with MS knows there is no specific test that can diagnose it. Therefore there is a lot of elimination of this and that before they can say for sure. Right now, I am lucky I do not have to work, because it would be difficult for me. I live with pain daily. And the exhaustion is the biggest difficulty of all. Through all of this, I know my God is faithful. He has taught me patience and continues to calm and guide me through this journey minute by minute and day by day. I have many limitations that I never had to worry about before and I am having to lean on my family more than ever as well. I am sure God has a great plan for me and no matter what he is there carrying me through this.
Wow! I haven’t posted anything in over a year! Where does time go? So many monumental and memorial moments have gone by. My wonderful husband, Michael, finished his bachelors this year. I am so very proud of him! I finished my bachelors in psychology and walked across that stage. Now I am preparing to start my masters in clinical psychology next week! I am so very excited! I have had to deal with several health issues these past few months. These of which I am waiting for test results as we speak. No matter the outcome, I will be ok. To one degree I would be grateful because I would then have an answer as to why I am having the issues I’m having. I can then take the steps to feeling better. On the flip side, no one wants a diagnosis that I am waiting for. Whatever the answer is, I will prevail. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
My wonderful husband worked so hard last week during his time off. The weather this year has been so strange and you never know from day to day what it will be like. I wanted to show a few before and after pics of work we did on our yard. Although they don’t look like we did much, it was usually hot one minute and cool the next. Picking the exact time of the cooler weather wasn’t always dead on, but in the end we both had fun. With that being said, I am not the easiest person to get along with when it comes to projects, but my husband survived!
Learning new things, on a daily basis, is something I’ve been working on. Although it has not been an easy journey, I am slowly moving in that direction. Adversity is an internal battle I fight constantly. Overcoming years of conflicts and realities that I had a blind eye to has not been easy. Each step, each day has become a different journey and I have had both disappointments and triumphs along the way. I am embracing who I truly am and I am learning I can be as strong and as weak as I need to be. And no matter how I feel inside….it’s ok! It’s how we choose to deal with each battle that makes us stronger and although sometimes it feels like we are going backwards eventually you start moving forward again!
The changes my life and body have gone through over the past few months have been amazing. I can’t begin to describe the peace I have learned to embrace with my life. I still have moments or hours where the old anxiety creeps in and tries to take over, but I refuse and it doesn’t stick around very long. Going back to school was the best choice I could have made at this point of my existence, I had come to a point in my life where I was not satisfied, I was not happy and I definitely was not being challenged. A very dear friend of mine, who has gotten me to not only question but consume everything around me, has helped me to see things in a very different way. Actually….the way I should have been thinking all along, because it is the real me. For so long, a huge part of me had learned and completely believe lies that I had been telling myself. That I had to be stronger than I was and I had to put on a face that I was okay…even when I wasn’t. A lot of this I contribute to being a military wife. Many times I had to deal with problems when no one else was around. But one thing I have learned, I don’t have to do it alone. And it is ok to feel weak, sad, angry, emotional, scared, alone….and so much more. I am not a bad person if I feel all these things. It is when you accept these emotions you realize that you are stronger than you think. Obtaining the fact that I am allowed to feel these things and people love you more when you are real about your issues. The peace that I feel through my entire being is nothing like I have ever felt. Calm, loving, giving, compassionate and more are the perceptions that fill my entire being. I continue my education, I am continuing my degree, but neither one takes precedence over the other. My goal is to learn something every day. And I don’t mean education wise. I will learn something that enriches my life and helps me to grow as a person everyday.
I love writing when the moment hits me. This is something I wrote yesterday on the spur of the moment. Enjoy….
An old familiar haunting deep within my mind.
Traces of forgotten memory treating me so unkind.
Solace to peaceful refuge I find myself pining.
A safe haven within my marrow is the place I will be hiding.
Impale me with harboring reflections unbeknownst by so many.
Unaware of the actions you’ve sparked, bewildered plenty.
Leave me silent and convalescing in a realm only for me.
To mend my essence and feel safe again where only I can be.
I thought I would share some interesting facts about me that some may not know… I am not an influential person, at least to the world. I may very well be prominent to my friends and family around me. I know that God has me here for a reason and I want to make the biggest possible impact I can. I have had some interesting things happen in my life that I thought I would share….
1. I have always loved music. Since the day I was born, I have loved music and many different kinds. Music entered my life as a child at church. My father lead singing at church a lot as I was growing up. No one ever taught me how to sing harmony and how to read music. Although taking piano lessons for 6 years when I was young probably helped me out a little. My father and I were know to be singing two parts at church together and in the middle of a song, we would switch. I was singing alto he was singing tenor and then we would trade parts. I was in chorus in school from jr high all the way through high school. My junior and senior year of high school I was most talented. This also lead to my sing with the Sweet Adeline’s for several years. Four-part harmony has always been part of my life, so this came naturally. With the TuneTown Show Chorus, I sang at the international chorus competition in Calgary, Canada. My father and I did most of the music for both my grandfather and grandmother’s funerals. Several of the songs we sang all 4 parts… Yes…we sang/recorded the first two parts, then we played those two parts as we recorded the other two. I love that I still have the recordings of these songs, because this was something very near and dear to me since my father is no longer with us.
2. I once had the opportunity to actually watch Michael Jordan play with the Chicago Bulls against the Cleveland Cavs. It was during the playoffs and we were on the very top row…but hey…at least I can say I was there.
3. I also was privileged to see the Great Wayne Gretzky play hockey and at the end of the game, I was actually able to touch the hockey stick he played with. (A man that was sitting down several rows in front of us was lucky enough that Wayne gave him his game stick).
4. I live in a small town, but I have been exposed to several big name people in the music industry. I have seen Trace Adkins on several occasions locally. I live, on both sides, next to music artists. On one side is Cindy Morgan, gospel artist and writer, with quite a few Dove awards under her belt. On the other is Craig Campbell, country music artist who recently hit the top 10 with his song “Keep them Kisses Comin”. It has been amazing watching him climb the country music status. I am watching him on CMT top 20 as we speak.
5. I am a military wife. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and he has been deployed for almost 6 years of those 13. I have had the privilege to travel with him with his job. The places we have been together have been Germany, France, Austria and not to mention the place in the US. It has been interesting to say the least.
So there, although I am sure many of you have seen and done many more interesting things than I have…I am proud of each and every one of these moments in my life. I plan on adding many more “firsts” as I continue this journey of life…So…how about you?
Since my journey now consists of going back to school, my brain has been challenged. The class I am taking currently is the last elective I have to take before I hit my core classes. Math 209 is not simple…I believe I could write thousands of essays easier than I could do this not-so-simple math! I mean let’s be totally forthcoming here, where am I ever going to use the quadratic formula or adding/subtracting linear equations in real life? 😂 I have approximately 33 hours to complete my work and then I have to take my final exam…Lord please be with me! The good side to this is you have to take the bad with the good. I have to finish this class to move on the the good ones. A friend of mine tells me,”it’s like taking bad-tasting good medicine”. I will survive, I will conquer…it may not be the best grade I wanted, but I will get though it and subsist! I refuse to stress, worry or torture myself. I will do the best I can and succeed!